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Keeping Teens Close During the Holidays

At a time when parents want to gather their family to home and hearth, an adolescent's quest for independence can be the source of major friction within the family.

You want your teenager to join you at church, for instance, but he wants to go to the movies with friends instead. Or just as your mother is serving her famous turkey and dressing with homemade cranberry sauce, your 16-year-old daughter announces that all she wants for Christmas is for someone to take her food preferences seriously.

You may feel like throwing up your hands, but Judy Cloud Berryhill, an expert in adolescent development with the University of Tennessee Agricultural Extension Service, says the wiser course of action is to keep the lines of communication and compassion wide open.

Give your budding adult plenty of room to explore, says Berryhill. Sure, the outlandish fashion sense, half-baked political views and seemingly boundless selfishness might make you wonder if there was a mix-up in the maternity ward, but Berryhill encourages acceptance.

"Adolescents deeply need a sense that family remains the source of unconditional love and support," Berryhill said.

So how do you include growing children who more often than not act like they don't want to be around you? Berryhill offers the following tips to stay connected with your teen:

• Display trust. Try giving them plenty of responsibility at holiday time, but make sure it is the kind of responsibility they like. Adolescents thrive on mastering tasks, such as assembling the artificial Christmas tree, making the perfect cake or carefully crafting holiday cards. If you find that you are butting heads most of the time, give them discrete jobs that they can tackle from start to finish on their own and then be grateful for their efforts, even if things are not done exactly as you wished.
• Give them a voice. Let your adolescents participate in decision-making about how the holiday will be celebrated. Call a family meeting to discuss traditions that are open to negotiation, foods to be eaten, guest lists, decorations and entertainment. This will make your teens feel as if they have valuable contributions to offer and that you respect their opinions.
• Appeal to their hearts. Encourage them to act on the holiday themes of giving and compassion. Applaud their efforts to participate in their school's annual toy drive and praise their decision to babysit in the homeless shelter.
• Appeal to their minds. Your adolescents are no doubt grappling with questions of their own identity, and their capacity for abstract thinking is greatly expanding. The holidays are a perfect time to help them wrestle with these deeper questions. Listening to their feelings and ideas can give you insight into their inner thoughts and beliefs.
• Honor their peers. Recognize that your adolescent's desire to spend a great deal of time with peers is a true developmental necessity and not in any way a negative reflection on their sense of family. Encourage them to spend time with friends during the holidays, and include them in your own family celebrations when appropriate.

Most of all, Berryhill says to communicate love this holiday season.

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Contact: Samantha Hill, 865-974-7141